I’m thinking of starting a new diet plan.  (Hey, if there can be a spinach or grapefruit diet, we can have a funeral director diet!)

It works like this:

3:07 am:  Wake up to the sound of a ringing phone. 

3:08 am:  Get up, pace the hallway (extra points for not waking your spouse or kids) while listening to a babbling family member of the deceased go on about all the funeral preparations (date, time, church AND your staff) that they’ve already decided without you.

3:15 am:  Stop the talking long enough to share your price information 

3:15:30 am:   Talk another family member through first aid to treat the wounds the first person sustained when fainting after hearing your prices.

3:20 am:  Go back to sleep for ten minutes.

3:30 am:  Wake up to tell the same family that they’ve dialed your number again accidentally.

3:32 am:  Try to go back to sleep.

4:52 am:  Still awake.

6:01 am:  Get up and shower in anticipation of busy day.

7:05 am:  Drive to the office while eating a muffin and drinking coffee.  Steer with knees.

7:20 am:  Walk complete circuit of funeral home, turning on lights.

7:25 am:  Walk second circuit because you’ve forgotten to unlock the doors.

8:05 am:  Lift more than 100 pounds of weight into a casket.

8:15 am:  Lean over an open casket for ten minutes during final makeup touch-up.

10:00 am:  Provide strong shoulder for wife of deceased during the first view.

10:30 am:  Open the door for the first guest.  Close the door.

10:31 - 11:30 am:  Repeat step 15 approximately six hundred times.

11:31 am:  Restrain yourself when someone asks you if you watch “Six Feet Under.”

12:15 pm:  Gather six family members of the deceased to act as pallbearers.

12:18 pm:  Take a handle yourself because they can’t find enough people in their family to do it.

12:18:47 pm:  Stub your toe going out the door.

12:30 pm:  Pilot the lead car into a swarm of non-funeral cars that don’t notice that you’re running a procession and are too busy on their cellphones to care.  Try not to yell to the overzealous and talkative minister that you’re “trying to drive, for Pete’s sake!”

12:49 pm:  As the minister delivers the graveside, look at your watch and realize you missed lunch.

2:00 pm:  Hit a fast food restaurant on your way back to the funeral home.

6:00 - 8:30 pm:  Stay late for a viewing.

9:15 pm:  Get home in time to tuck your kids into bed.

9:45 pm:  Re-heat the meal your spouse has prepared.

11:15 pm:  Get into bed.

3:07 am:  Wake up to the sound of a ringing phone. 

On second thought, I don’t think anyone would want to try this one!