January 11, 2007
I’m thinking of starting a new diet plan. (Hey, if there can be a spinach or grapefruit diet, we can have a funeral director diet!)
It works like this:
3:07 am: Wake up to the sound of a ringing phone.
3:08 am: Get up, pace the hallway (extra points for not waking your spouse or kids) while listening to a babbling family member of the deceased go on about all the funeral preparations (date, time, church AND your staff) that they’ve already decided without you.
3:15 am: Stop the talking long enough to share your price information
3:15:30 am: Talk another family member through first aid to treat the wounds the first person sustained when fainting after hearing your prices.
3:20 am: Go back to sleep for ten minutes.
3:30 am: Wake up to tell the same family that they’ve dialed your number again accidentally.
3:32 am: Try to go back to sleep.
4:52 am: Still awake.
6:01 am: Get up and shower in anticipation of busy day.
7:05 am: Drive to the office while eating a muffin and drinking coffee. Steer with knees.
7:20 am: Walk complete circuit of funeral home, turning on lights.
7:25 am: Walk second circuit because you’ve forgotten to unlock the doors.
8:05 am: Lift more than 100 pounds of weight into a casket.
8:15 am: Lean over an open casket for ten minutes during final makeup touch-up.
10:00 am: Provide strong shoulder for wife of deceased during the first view.
10:30 am: Open the door for the first guest. Close the door.
10:31 - 11:30 am: Repeat step 15 approximately six hundred times.
11:31 am: Restrain yourself when someone asks you if you watch “Six Feet Under.”
12:15 pm: Gather six family members of the deceased to act as pallbearers.
12:18 pm: Take a handle yourself because they can’t find enough people in their family to do it.
12:18:47 pm: Stub your toe going out the door.
12:30 pm: Pilot the lead car into a swarm of non-funeral cars that don’t notice that you’re running a procession and are too busy on their cellphones to care. Try not to yell to the overzealous and talkative minister that you’re “trying to drive, for Pete’s sake!”
12:49 pm: As the minister delivers the graveside, look at your watch and realize you missed lunch.
2:00 pm: Hit a fast food restaurant on your way back to the funeral home.
6:00 - 8:30 pm: Stay late for a viewing.
9:15 pm: Get home in time to tuck your kids into bed.
9:45 pm: Re-heat the meal your spouse has prepared.
11:15 pm: Get into bed.
3:07 am: Wake up to the sound of a ringing phone.
On second thought, I don’t think anyone would want to try this one!
