PBS ‘Frontline’ offers look at a profession unwilling to change
“I want a mess made in the snow, so that the earth looks wounded, forced open, an unwilling participant. Go to the hole in the ground. Stand over it. Look into it. Wonder and be cold. But stay until it’s over, until it’s done.” — Thomas Lynch
Like many of you, I couldn’t wait to watch the PBS Frontline program, “The Undertaking,” which aired October 30. It was a beautiful, romanticized look at the funeral profession, through the eyes (and words) of the ever-eloquent Tom Lynch. It was also the glowingly positive portrayal the funeral profession so desperately craves.Circa 1950.
OK, that may be a little harsh, but c’mon, you know it’s true. Lynch has cornered the market on funeral nostalgia, and maybe that’s why he’s such a rock star in the industry. It’s comforting to listen to him wax philosophic about “getting the dead where they need to go, and the living where they need to be,” the same kind of home-spun stuff our granddaddy used to tell us.
Unfortunately, Lynch seems to think “getting the living where they need to be,” is primarily to the church and the graveside on time.
Indeed, for a man who says that “funerals are for the living,” Lynch seems most concerned for the customers who can’t complain. He is far less concerned with preserving the memory and celebrating the life of the person who formally occupied that body. In fact, he has gone out of his way to bemoan any kind of personalization in the profession.
“…Our efforts to put a smiley face on every experience - to do ‘funeral lite,’ to have a nice day, to call it a celebration, regardless of what has happened - strikes real mourners as a kind of cruel insult,” he told the ICCFA convention earlier this year.
Yet, what is the crueler insult? To celebrate a life that was lived, a life that was shared with others, or to stamp out the same funerals day after day, with only the name and the color of casket changing?
For its flaws, “The Undertaking,” beautifully told the heartfelt (and heartbreaking) stories of several grieving families. Indeed, the great irony of “The Undertaking,” is that the program itself did a far better job of helping those families save and share their stories than Lynch himself did. And he’s a published author.
No, Lynch is far more concerned with the functionary aspects of funeral service, that of preparing a body for viewing and burial. Oh, Lynch & Sons are without question caring and professional undertakers. But the question remains: do those qualities make them somehow special? Shouldn’t those traits simply be the bare minimum every funeral director should have? Shouldn’t they offer families something more than spit-polished professionalism?
Confronting grief is good, and for many people, viewing the body is a critical element to accepting their grief. Yet Lynch professes this as the sole Gospel. He would have us all stare at it, wallow in it, and “stay until it’s over.” The simple truth, of course, is that it’s never really over, is it? It’s always there, no matter how long we stare at it, no matter how much cold, snowy earth we bury it under.
Nonetheless, Lynch wants people to embrace it. Not because it puts them on a path to healing or closure, but because he knows no other way, and he offers no alternative. For a man so adept at telling stories, you’d think he’d realize the importance of helping families share them, and celebrate them.
As Mr. Lynch has pointed out, humans have been performing funerals for thousands of years, one of the great differences between man and beast. Yet thankfully, we’ve changed a little in that time, and like it or not, the funeral profession is changing, as well. Sadly, it seems Lynch and the legions like him will remain mired in the same nostalgic traditions they always have, content to stay until it’s over, and until it’s done.
Don Shell is a staff writer for Life Story Network®, a Portage, Michigan-based multimedia company serving 15 independently-owned funeral homes in the Midwest. For more information, visit http://www.lifestorynet.com/, or email Don at donshell@lifestorynet.com.
November 8, 2007 at 2:32 pm
With all due respect, Mr. Shell, I think you may have misunderstood Mr. Lynch.
Yes, he rails against personalization, but that’s because so many funeral directors sell personalization like a commodity instead of making something personal. For example, my dad is a golfer. I can personalize his funeral by getting a casket with golf-themed corners. Or, I can make it personal by having his golfing buddies act as pall bearers. Which is more meaningful?
And I have to say I agree with Mr. Lynch that there is great value in allowing families to have the comfort of a ritual they’re familiar with at a difficult time. And they did show at least one direct cremation, so obviously not everyone followed the ritual Mr. Lynch likes so much.
If you watched any of the additional footage, or read the viewer comments on the PBS website, you’ll see many of the families talked about how comforted they were seeing their loved ones looking so peaceful and beautiful. I doubt anyone could say that Mrs. Verrino’s eulogy wasn’t heartfelt, meaningful, or healing. And I don’t think anyone expressed displeasure at how things were handled.
The fact is, that documentary only showed short glimpses of the visitations and funerals, so we really don’t have any idea how much of a family’s story was or was not told.
I think the important thing, for us as funeral directors, is to make sure that we are able to do whatever the family wishes. A family’s story should be able to be told regardless of whether the family chooses a full-service burial, a direct cremation, or a reception at a local restaurant.
Yes, more and more people are choosing non-traditional services, and we need to meet those needs. But we’re only harming ourselves if we disregard or rail against those families that want the traditional services they’re accustomed to.
November 8, 2007 at 3:04 pm
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