Ceramic artist Lucy Fagella offers beautiful funeral urns and pet urns like these:

She even sells at wholesale prices to funeral homes and stores.  Check out her site, Lucia Pottery.

Charlie Kanet, of Kanet Advertising, shares the website they’ve just created for a new client:

The site is nice enough (maybe too much like a blog template I can create for free), but it’s the theft replacement policy that intrigues me the most.

The concept is simple:  If someone steals your Eternal Light, they’ll replace it.

The execution is not so simple.  And by the time you finish reading the webpage that describes the policy, any goodwill you’ve felt toward a company that would offer such a guarantee has been sapped away by terms and conditions.

Here’s an example of the kind of soul-sapping, angry-sounding phrases in the policy:

ETERNAL LIGHT may request a Police Incident Report if multiple crosses are stolen in the same incident; and if it occurs repeatedly to the same ORIGINAL Consumer. This requirement is solely at the discretion of ETERNAL LIGHT, whose decision is final.

This THEFT REPLACEMENT OFFER is extended to Consumers ONLY.

The THEFT REPLACEMENT OFFER is not available to merchants, stores, shops, cemeteries, or Funeral industry establishments.

The THEFT REPLACEMENT OFFER is not an insurance policy of any kind, specifically, not aimed at replacing any ones inventory of any kind due to theft.

This THEFT REPLACEMENT OFFER may be withdrawn, or CONDITIONS modified, at any time at the sole discretion of ETERNAL LIGHT CROSS, whose decision is final.

In further detail, they describe the way to claim the replacement, a process which requires the original retail receipt (good luck finding that in your box of tax junk!), a return address (but no PO boxes!) and at least $18.90 to cover the replacement light and shipping.

I’m guessing that the Theft Replacement Offer came about this way:

Eternal Light Employee #1:  These things might be easy to steal.

Eternal Light Employee #2:  You’re right, maybe we should add a lock or something?

ELE #1:  Even better, let’s offer a replacement guarantee!

ELE #2:  Perfect.  Our customers will love that.  And they’ll see that we care about them!

ELE #1:  Yeah, but some people will just say their light was stolen to get a free one.

ELE #2:  We’ll just make it time-consuming and frustrating to get the replacement.

ELE #1:  Good thinking.  Let’s put lotsa absolute words like ‘final’ and ‘only’ in there so it discourages people from ever asking for the replacement.

Of course, that might be stretching it, but you get my point:  a Theft Replacement Offer is a nice idea, but only if it’s executed properly.

That means making it sound like a real benefit, rather than a punative arrangement.

While it might not be lawyer-speak, how about this on the site:

As providers of Eternal Lights to thousands of grieving families across the country, we know how important your loved one is to you and the heartbreak that can result when an Eternal Light is stolen.

That’s why we extend a Theft Replacement Offer.  Our goal is to lessen the pain caused by the theft and speed the replacement of your Eternal Light.

If your light is stolen, please contact us for replacement instructions.  As with similar programs, our Theft Replacement Offer has certain conditions and minimum requirements designed to prevent fraud. 

In keeping with smart business practices, we reserve the right to withdraw or modify this offer.

For a full description of the offer, please contact us at (xxx) xxx-xxxx.

Now isn’t that a lot better?  It doesn’t give up any rights but it also doesn’t say “If you try to redeem this offer we’ll make it really hard on you!” like the current stuff does.

Editor’s Note:  Charlie didn’t pay me to review this site (not that he’d have paid for this kinda review anyway!) and I don’t have anything against the folks at Eternal Light.  In fact, I love their designs and I think they’d do a lot better if they stopped telling everyone about their Theft Replacement and simply give instructions to get more information for those who are concerned about theft.

Having spent more than 10 years working in the industry, I know there are a number of tools every funeral director/funeral home owner should have at her disposal.

A basic toolkit, with screwdrivers, pliers and wrenches is a must.  You can buy these at various brick-and-mortar stores or online from places like Amazon, Walmart.com and Target.com.

I remember a time when having a screwdriver meant being able to place a 400-lb decedent in a casket without calling on the local fire department or buying an overhead lift.

How did the screwdriver help?  Well, we removed both of the casket lids and placed the dressing table next to the casket.  Three staff members (one on the back side to steer) used a transfer sheet and loaded the casket.

And don’t underestimate the need for a working tape measure.  It’s easier to order the right oversized casket if you’ve measured the deceased properly.

How do you send obituary pictures to your local newspaper?  With the price of gas headed toward $5 a gallon, driving the photo down to the newspaper office seems like a waste. 

Believe me, there are still some funeral directors who don’t own a flatbed scanner. 

The unit pictured here costs just $49.99 from Amazon and allows you to scan photos to your computer, where they can be emailed or added to memorial folders.

Even in the computer age, there are just some things you have to use a typewriter for.  But the worst part about using a typewriter is finding replacement ribbon cartridges. 

The typewriter pictured here is new, so supplies are available, but older machines need hard-to-find ribbons.  My favorite place to find them?  Ribbon Train, which specializes in early printers and typewriters.

Even funeral homes in dry climates get rain every once in a while.  Invariably, the downpour starts just as your biggest funeral is ready to leave for the cemetery.

And while you probably have plenty of umbrellas for your guests (tell me you have umbrellas!) your staff will need some protection from the precipitation.

For your employees, rainsuits make a better statement and are more functional than umbrellas.  A rainsuit says “We’re prepared for anything” and doesn’t give the impression that your staff is hogging an umbrella that one of your guests could be using.  A suit will also allow your staff to carry more flowers to the van, help guests without having to juggle and umbrella and direct traffic with both hands free.

The suits above are available on Amazon for as little as $34.95.

A portable battery pack/car charger can make the difference in being stranded at a church and getting to the cemetery on time.

This unit, from Duracell, boasts jumber cables, an AM/FM radio and three AC outlets to power 110v items, such as lights, boomboxes, computers and more.

Since you never know where you might need power, this rechargable unit (or one like it) is a great item to stash in the trunk of your lead car or limousine.

Available from Amazon for $99.99.

The only thing worse than a car that won’t start because of battery problems is one that won’t start because you’ve run out of gas.

This emergency fuel carrier is collapsible and costs just $8.95 from Genuine Hotrod.  Put one in every vehicle you own.

 

 

James Calabrese loved his 1958 Chevy Biscayne so much that he had the license plate, fuzzy dice and other parts added to a casket to trick out his “final ride.”

Check out these other links to see other custom caskets and other new ideas:

Crazy Coffins

Coffins you’ll love to die for, collection made for your death

Unique Fantasy Coffins For Frivolous Geeks

Designer Coffins

Beer can coffin - Drinking dead or drunk dead

I’m busy tweaking our plan for world domination (the plan mainly consists of going to conventions, updating our website and running ads in industry magazines) and I wanted to share a very important secret with you:

Smart vendors offer really good deals to funeral directors who buy product at conventions.

At the 2007 NFDA Convention in Las Vegas, we offered 10% off all orders placed during the expo. 

While that might not sound terribly impressive, our typical order if for one DELUXE model cot cover.  Our normal charge is $225, so that’s a savings of $22.50.

As I explained to many of the male directors who visited the booth, “Your wife is probably off at the mall or a casino spending at least that much right now.”

Interestingly, the female funeral directors were easier to convince, as the product seems to make more sense to women.

And there’s little financial risk involved, since our covers come with a 90-day money back guarantee and our new, improved 1-year warranty.  Which means that even if you order from us at a convention and decide later that you don’t want it, we’ll return all your money!

Why do we offer such a big discount at conventions?

Because we want you to say “Yes, I’ll try a better cot cover that will bring more comfort to my families and provide better OSHA protection to my employees!” while you’re with us, when the excitement is high and you’re aware that there’s a better way.

If you wait until you get back home (or, to be honest, back at the casino bar!) you’ll get consumed with all the important stuff (seeing families, if you’re at home or Miller High Life if you’re at the bar) and forget all about the wonderful benefits of our quilted mortuary cot covers with the revolutionary FluidBlocker lining.

Of course, if you see other great deals at a convention, make sure the vendor offers some type of guarantee before you buy.  You’ll want to know if you can return that pallet of pet urns within 60 days if you can’t find any buyers!

Sometimes, we just have to make things better for our customers.

That’s why we’ve improved our 1-year warranty to cover not just our own foibles (problems with manufacture or materials) but also accidental tears and damage by our customers.

Actually, the real reason we’re covering so much more is that our products are so well-made and our customers are so careful with their beautiful new covers that we seldom get a warranty call.

And when we do get a call, the last thing we want to tell someone who’s spent hundreds of dollars is “sorry, but that damage is your own fault.”

So we’re covering it all.  If you accidentally damage the cover that has been so effective for your firm, we don’t want you to go back to a $100 fake fur piece of junk cover.  Call us and we’ll fix the one you’ve got.

Our company is seeing some amazing growth (should be almost 50% more business this year than last!) which means more funeral professionals are seeing our beautiful quilted mortuary cot covers and deciding that the design, fabrics and impressive, washable lining is right for them.

So we’ve added a few new styles.  These are only available in limited quantities, so if you want one for your firm, make sure you call soon!

You can order any of these or any of our other beautiful covers by calling us at 321-287-0628, emailing cotcovers@gmail.com or faxing an order form to 321-256-5301.

From our friends at Japan Sugoi comes this picture of a Hello Kitty! tombstone.  Check out the video on their page for more details.

An article in today’s Orlando Sentinel explores the burgeoning market of memorial t-shirts.  Sometimes call RIP shirts, the clothing is emblazoned with photos of the deceased and relevant text.

Annice ‘Neda’ Pierresaint, above, wears a RIP shirt to her cashier job at Costco.

Read the full story at the Orlando Sentinel website.