My second phone call from Lawyer/CPA Bob was really just an “Aha!” message saying he would accept the bet I offered in the post, An FCA Affiliate Speaks Up.

Except my exact quote was “I’d be willing to bet…” which, in simple English, means “I would be willing…with certain conditions.”

Here’s what I actually wrote:

I’d be willing to bet my salary and Mr. Slocum’s almost $50,000 salary  that Lawyer/CPA Bob doesn’t get out of bed at 2 AM for anything close to what the average funeral director makes.

In fact, the phrase “I’d be willing to bet” or “I’d bet” are common figures of speech or colloquialisms and are understood by most English speakers to be non-literal exaggerations.

Do we believe that a teenager who says “If I have to get braces I’ll die!” is actually afraid they will kill her?

Or that a man who proclaims a new device as “the best thing since sliced bread” is serious about the implications to society of the new gadget?

Should Lawyer/CPA Bob claim that I made an actual bet, I’d point out that the bet is difficult to distinguish.  Is he claiming that he does get out of bed at 2:00 AM for a sum close to what the average funeral director makes?

If so, we’ll have to figure out what the average funeral director makes.  Then we have to see how close Lawyer/CPA Bob’s salary is to the amount.

Of course, “close” is relative.  How will we determine if the amounts are “close?”  Is there an international designation for the specific amount the term implies?

And would Lawyer/CPA Bob have to prove that he actually gets up at 2:00 AM on a regular basis (at least as often as the typical funeral director does) or would proof of a few late nights a month be good enough for a court of law?

And who enforces bets?  Are we in Las Vegas, Reno or Atlantic City? 

I’d be interested in hearing some legal opinion on how a rhetorical comment in a editorial could be construed as an actual bet.

I’d almost bet… oops, can’t say that.  I’m fairly certain (in a non-threatening, editorial way) that I’ve got some protection under the First Amendment.  I also believe that I have not threatened or libeled Mr. Slocum, Ms. Bennett or Lawyer/CPA Bob in any way.

Mr. Slocum responded with well-reasoned emails and an invitation to call him if I wanted to talk more about his company.  Ms. Bennett offered her opinion and asked me “Since when is that wrong?”  I offered my opinion back to her in the post, An FCA Affiliate Speaks Up.

Now Lawyer/CPA Bob decides that mildly-harrassing phone calls, placed from a “restricted” number, are appropriate to the conversation.  He’s clearly calling for personal reasons, as he won’t reveal his last name or contact information.

He’s wrong.  Frankly, the only reason I can imagine that he would make such calls and vague quasi-threats is that it gives him some pleasure to intimidate others.

I am not intimidated, but  I understand his initial viewpoint:  he likes Mr. Slocum.

I’ll grant that many people may like Mr. Slocum.  Heck, after a conversation, I might like Mr. Slocum. 

But Lawyer/CPA Bob decided to sink to harrassment, while my main complaint remains the same:  FCA’s primary public interaction (with non-members - the vast majority of Americans) is fear-based.  FCA is best served when they get stories placed in news sources that scare the public into signing up for memberships or buying publications.

When 70% of your annual expenses pay employee-related costs (salaries, benefits, payroll taxes, etc.) the main purpose of your organization is to fund employees.

Are the employees still doing the work of the organization?  Gosh, I hope so.  Otherwise, they’d just be stealing from their members.

I’m sure that Mr. Slocum and others within local FCA’s believe they are doing important work.  Unfortunately, they equate choosing a funeral home based upon price as the most intelligent and savvy move.

They reinforce this by falsely accusing the majority of funeral directors of being greedy or crooks.

I disagree with that remark and I encourage all funeral directors to educate your community.

If you don’t, FCA will.  And Clearly, based upon FCA’s tax returns, it pays to do so.

You can say a lot in 114 pages, which might explain why some members of the Pennsylvania Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association filed that many pages of lawsuit against the State Board of Directors for what they claim is an “incestuous” relationship between the board and the PA Funeral Directors Association.

You can read the full story here.

Without reading the full complaint, I can’t really comment on the case, except to say that the practices discussed in the news story are similar to laws in other states.

Basically, some states restrict the ownership of funeral homes to, supposedly, protect the public.  And these practices might, but it’s always good to reconsider your state’s laws every few years.

Other rules, like not allowing any food in the funeral home, seem conterproductive to the mission of funeral service:  providing aid and comfort to families at the time of need.

At least one of the laws, which prohibits a director from transferring ownership to non-family members upon his/her death, seems designed to punish rather than protect.

Anyone want to share their own experiences with these types of laws?

A recent email conversation with a Final Embrace blog reader has revealed the age old wisdom that some of us have forgotten:  every business needs an attorney.

This funeral director, who I won’t name until he shares the outcome of the legal matter, asked me for an opinion on whether he should hand over funeral arrangement paperwork (contract, embalming authorization, etc.) to the attorney representing his client family in a wrongful death lawsuit.

Concerned that he might damage his relationship with the client family or be included in the lawsuit himself, he wanted to figure out what to do as quickly as possible, so as to lessen any impact it might have on his community standing.

Unfortunately, the issue was clouded by the law firm which requested, in addition to these documents, that the funeral home lower their bill (for services already provided) by almost 20%. 

The director was, at least in my mind, rightfully unsettled by this request, as he did not cause the death and had a signed contract for the services he provided at the price he quoted.  (I think that the attorney is trying to either free up money to fund his own work or wants to look like he accomplished something for the family to justify his fee.  If he/she operates a “no fee unless you recover money” type practice, this reduction of the funeral service bill might qualify as a “recovery.”)

But because I am not a legal scholar, I suggested that he get an attorney immediately. 

Let’s face it, if a client family turns over their affairs to a lawyer or one of those “consumer reporters,” it’s time for you to add a similar layer of support to your firm. 

Just remember, the best time to choose an attorney is NOT when you need one.  Take some time to audition lawyers now, before you need one.  And make sure you find one who can be there when you need him/her.  Because lawsuits, “Action News Reports” and angry families don’t happen when your schedule is most conveniently organized.

A new website, Speaking of Death, has formed to provide a clearinghouse for funeral, cemetery, cremation and disaster planning industry speakers.

Essentially, the site allows a person in need of an industry speaker to see a wide range of available experts and topics.  The site, which is still being fleshed out, will aggregate not only speaker biographies, but also engagement fees and current schedules. 

The guy who’s putting this together, Robert Borning, has sent me some preliminary info about the site, along with a note to keep an eye out for their main press push.

They’re also looking for a main sponsor of the site, who will provide the annual funding for the technology (about $250 a year) and receive credit on the site for the sponsorship.  Anyone interested?

When they get rolling, Robert and the folks at Speaking of Death will target industry groups, medical examiners, Red Cross groups and other folks interested in having a deathcare or disaster situation expert speak at their event.

So check out this new resource at www.speakingofdeath.com.

Every funeral professional should do an “end of year review”.  We all know that.  In fact, you probably spend a whole lotta time just after Christmas worrying that you can’t pay for all those gifts that just went on your Amex, right?

So forget the “week after Christmas review” and start reviewing now!

Sure, that end of year bump you’ve been expecting might come in December, but a frank look at your year-to-date in the last week in November will give you an idea of how much ground you’ve got to make up over the holidays or, if you’ve had a good year, how much “gravy” can pour during the festivities.

As I’ve warned before (in the post, Call Your Accountant Early!) your financial advisors are going to be very busy come January 1st.  So start now.

Are there new products or recurring items you order every January?  Why not place an order now, with a shipping date in the beginning of January?

No matter what you do, make sure you’re spending some time reviewing your practices, how they affected your ability to serve families this year and what improvements you can make to improve the bottom line.

What things do I consider when doing a yearly review of our cot cover business?  Good question!  Here goes:

TOTAL SALES:  I like this number because regardless of the total number of covers we sold, it measures our overall financial footprint.

NET PROFIT:  Even better than a total of sales, this one tells me how effective we were at making our product profitable. 

AVERAGE ORDER AMOUNT:  Compared to our retail prices, this lets me know how well we upsell.  I even break this down by product so I can see which specific patterns encourage more sales.

ADVERTISING PERCENTAGE:  I like to keep this low (as a percentage of total sales), even though we make a fine profit and benefit from some of our advertising.  Of course, I count lots of stuff in this one, like the costs to create this blog, our convention appearances, magazine ads, website costs, etc.

MATERIAL/OVERHEAD COSTS:  I divide this cost by the total sales to figure out what percentage of the product price goes toward the cost of materials and overhead (like our workshop, equipment, etc.).

LABOR COSTS:  This is what percentage of total sales I pay the employees.  Even though I’ve hired some contract employees in the last two years (we’re up to four!) the percentage has actually gone down as sales have risen.

These are all things that I track on a monthly basis, mostly because my small company can’t afford any major unplanned shifts in our sales.  And while we’ve moved to a much wider tightrope in recent months (snowballing sales figures have helped to put us on more stable footing) I know that an unexpected move in the market can still catch unaware.

What should you track?  Now’s the time to decide what information will help you plan your business’ future.  Get started now, before the holiday rush.

This story comes from several sources, but the most in depth reporting is from MiceAge.com, a site devoted to showing “a different look at Disney…”

The full story (too long to quote here) describes the recent rash of park guests who scatter cremated remains on park rides.  It started with the Haunted Mansion ride, which prompted Disney to outfit custodians with high-powered, HEPA filtered vacuum cleaners to remove the illegally scatter remains.

The latest story, detailed in the MiceAge post, A Pirate’s (After) Life For Me, involves a woman flinging remains onto the sets of the recently revamped Pirates of the Carribbean ride in Anehiem.

 Here’s a telling quote from the article: 

The residue is often found at the end of the night however, and most of the people who carry out a last request by spreading a loved one’s remains at The Happiest Place On Earth likely don’t know the less-than-reverential end they meet at the hands of the ultra-efficient Disneyland Custodial Department.

I’ve often had families ask me about the rules regarding scattering of cremated remains.  I’ve always told them that it is illegal to scatter remains on someone else’s property, regardless of your loved one’s desire to make “___________” their final resting place.

But I also explain that cremated remains are not toxic and, in the right setting (a national park, outdoor facility, etc.) would probably go unnoticed.

And while I never encouraged families to break the law by scattering remains in a public place (like the man who rushed onto the Philadelphia Eagles’ field and scattered his mother’s remains during a football game!) I offered that the remains would mix with dirt and be absorbed into a natural landscape.

I could file this under “Daily Nags” but I’ve pretty much let that category go since I can’t seem to remember to nag you every single day!  Consider the nag-free ride you’ve been getting a gift from your friend, Tim.

Still, this one’s perfect for November, because the end of year is coming fast!

Most funeral homes operate on a January to December fiscal year.  If that’s you, the end of your accounting cycle is almost here and there are lots of little things you need to accomplish.

If you’ve got an outside accountant, she’s probably got a WHOLE LOT of other clients who will also need to finish up end-of-year work, so don’t wait until the last minute to go over your situation.

 Contacting your accountant before Thanksgiving will have two important benefits:

1.  He’ll be able to advise you of any last-minute purchases you should make or any tax-saving actions you can take before December 31st.

2.  He’ll see you as an attentive client, who will be easy to deal with and, therefore, he’ll won’t regret picking up your file.  It’s always important to make sure your accountant actually wants to work on your files.  Not only to ensure accuracy, but to make sure you get the most beneficial help.  (Just remember, everyone wants to enjoy their job.  Make sure you’re the “fun” client or at least the proficient one.)

I just met with my accountant last week and found out that several of the big equipment purchases I was planning for next March might make more sense this year.  In fact, she even suggested I take out a loan (if necessary) to finance some expansion, since the debt would help offset the record gains our cot cover business has realized this year.  (You do know that we make quilted cot covers that are wowing the funeral industry, don’t you?)

But the simplest reason is also the most practical:  calling your accountant early will ensure that you can get an appointment during a very busy time of year!

The FCC explains an IP relay call as:

IP Relay allows people who have difficulty hearing or speaking to communicate through the telephone system with hearing persons. IP Relay is accessed using a computer and the Internet, rather than a TTY and a telephone. So individuals who use IP Relay do not need to invest in a TTY; they simply use the computer to communicate by text. When conversing over IP Relay, people who are deaf, hard of hearing, or have difficulty speaking can participate in a conference call or go online while holding a conversation.

The article goes on to explain that the IP relay call goes from the caller to a TRS (Telecommunications Relay Service) which is staffed by communication assistants.  These CA’s place a landline call to the phone number requested and act as the voice of the person typing into the computer.

Many people who are deaf, have difficulty hearing or who are unable to speak on the phone currently use TRS to communicate.  In fact, the TRS is funded by public money and overseen by the FCC.

 But the TRS has started being used by scammers in an attempt to swindle money from funeral homes.  The scam goes like this:

1.  Scammer is sitting at a computer and has several IP relay calls launched on screen.  Because he/she can type fast, none of the communication assistants in stateside TRS centers notices any real lag in conversation.  (The FCC site actually lists the ability to surf the internet or handle multiple conversations as a benefit to the IP relay service)

2.  The CA handling the request makes a call to your funeral home, explaining that a deaf or disabled person is seeking assistance from your firm.  In recent scams, the person is trying to repatriate remains from an African country.

3.  While the CA is talking to you, the scammer is copying the same information to other IP relay calls, hoping to trick one or more funeral homes into sending advance checks for consulate fees or other charges.

We’ve already heard from a number of funeral homes about this type of call and they all sound the same.  One director, Joe S., shares this story:

I am a funeral director in Oregon, and last night I received a ip relay call from someone claiming to be a Jehovah’s Witness missionary in Legos, Nigeria.

He said his name was “Michael Moore”, and his wife’s name is Arlene Moore.

He said that his wife had died September 4, and that the casket and death certificates where all taken care of.

He said that he was from the same town as my funeral home and that he wanted me to find a cemetery for his wife. This made me very suspicious, since I am in a small town, and anyone from here would be very familiar with the only cemetery nearby.

When I asked for contact info for the funeral home in Nigeria, he said, “Yes, yes I will give you the postals for them so you can make arrangements.” This person suppled an e-mail address for both him and the funeral home, and both where @yahoo.com He was reluctant to give me a phone number for the funeral home, but after I insisted he provided one.

He wanted me to arrange with the funeral home in Nigeria to have his wife’s “Corpse” as he put it, transported to the nearest airport, and he asked me where the closest airport would be. Again, anyone from around this area would know that the closest international airport is in Portland. He wanted to pay for all this over the phone with a credit card. (Presumably another ip relay)

You know, what would happen if you actually where a missionary in Nigeria and your wife died, AND you were deaf/mute?

IP relay is not a commonly used service.  Those who truly need it are, thankfully, few.  What are the odds that the only IP relay call you’ll ever get is from someone in Nigeria who wants repatriation, the same scam being perpetrated in email?

Even worse, U.S. tax dollars pay for the very real system of human work that goes into making the TRS and IP relay calls functional.  These scammers have found a way to scam us out of money and even get us to pay for the call.

Don’t take the call.  Or, at the very least, ask enough questions to verify that the call is real.  And don’t pay for anything up front or offer your bank account number.

I know how generous and accommodating funeral directors are, and now, apparently, African scam artists do as well.

I just received this email:

Hello Dear,
 
My name is Randal Lane, Could you please quote me as per what it would cost to repatriate my late loved brother from Africa back to Country?
 
His remains is currently in Hometown Mortuary, located at western part of Africa Nigeria (Lagos Island) His name is John Thuan, the mortuary’s phone # is (234-8088855440) and the mortuary’s email address is (hometown.mortuary@hotmail.com)
 
Could you please make the arrangement as fast as possible.
 
Best regard,
Randal Lane Thuan

This is almost an exact replication of the “I want to buy your product” scam letter that’s been hitting various businesses.  Of course, this one makes a much bigger impact, because there seems to be no request for money or bank account information.

But be warned, email and fax scammers like this have evolved tactics.  The old “we’ve got $10,000,000 US” fax and email stopped working because people were informed about it.  This is more deceitful and more likely to cause you issues.

Consider, if you call this person (a very expensive, long distance call) or converse by email, what assurances do you have that you’re speaking with a funeral director or that there is even a body to be shipped?

Most likely, the “funeral director” will require you to pay certain fees for the family of the deceased or pay “embassy fees” at the airport when you pick up the “body.”  Will it be a real casket, or just a casket shaped box with some rocks in it?

Odds are, the charade will not go on that long, since the scammers want to make the most money possible in the shortest time.

By now, one of you readers has asked yourself, “But what if it’s legitimate?”

That’s a valid point.  So let’s consider the facts:

- The letter writer has an email address of randal.lane@hotmail.com.  Hotmail is a free email account service, which scammers use to mask their true identity.

- I received the email twice, coming two minutes apart.  This suggests that someone was sending out multiple requests and either forgot that I’d already been contacted or that my email address was duplicated in the scammers database.

- The email starts “Hello Dear”, the same way most of the other scam emails from Nigeria begin.  I doubt that Randal thinks I’m his “dear.”

- The mortuary email address (hometown.mortuary@hotmail.com) is formatted just like the address for the sender.  Plus, it’s a Hotmail account, same as the sender.

- The writer did not make contact by phone. 

- The writer doesn’t say where he is or where in the U.S. the body should go. 

Don’t be fooled by the fact that a funeral-related request was sent to your email address.  If you’ve ever published your address on a website that deals with funeral service, or if you have a website for your funeral home that lists an email address, you have already given scammers your address.

Sophisticated computer programs can scour the Internet, looking for industry sites and any email addresses that may be posted and then sends the email immediately.

How do I know that this has happened here?  I don’t run a funeral home any longer and the email came to my address that I only use for the Final Embrace blog. 

Tim Llewellyn of FSE Caskets shares this about a Group Purchasing Organization: 

I would like to add my two cents to this interesting subject. First of all I have had experience with GPOs with a previous medical business that I had owned. My business served as a primary vendor to over 8,000 nursing homes nationwide buy way of a vendor for a GPO. Our company changed the dynamics of how business was conducted with GPO members a contributed to the value of the organization.

The pros and cons of a GPO can be equally balanced in many cases but keeping the balance heavy to the beneficial side is strategic battle that takes careful planning and innovation. The value for independent funeral homes to gain the purchasing power to improve profitability and longevity rests in the ability to understand and participate in an active and beneficial Group Purchasing program.

Here are a few things that I can share:

• Providing discounted products to members can and is being accomplished at no extra cost to the members in many cases.
• Manufacturers and vendors (bound by signed agreements) participate in the GPO because they have something to gain that is offered by the GPO.
• Directors purchase directly from the manufacturers and vendors under the new GPO program structures. (The GPO has no need to be a re-seller of products and services, just a coordinator and implementer of benefits).
• The sales are tracked in a simple way that account for GPO fees.
• The GPO offers much more than better pricing on products and services, it enables both the director and the manufacturer/vendor to obtain advantages beyond product procurement.

I am sure as you continue in the research of GPO implementation you find that many of the large manufacturers do not want to see a GPO in place. This means that the manufacturers will have to compete with or join the GPO, and if they do join they would have to discount products and pay a set percentage of the sales back to the GPO.

Example: Batesville would have to take a 12% drop in profit for all the members participating in the GPO, many of which may be present customers of theirs.

Even though this is a difficult challenge to implement a convincing GPO program, it is totally possible with the right business structure and marketing plan. Creating benefits that are equally enticing and compelling for both the manufacturer/vendor and members takes more than great pricing and catalogs.

As I step down off my soap box I would like to add that a GPO is over due for the funeral industry and the benefits can be a strong advantage for independent businesses that require better pricing and support. I would be interested in assisting in the development of a GPO to ensure the health of the industry and the insurance of sustainability for continued growth.